End of an Era

Fun, Life

It has been a week of ends. Last show with OperaSoc, last show proposals, last show with Backstage, handover meal with committee, end of term, seeing my friends head off into exam season, and finally watching to the end of the Mentalist (which really has been a long time coming).

It should probably have been an emotional rollercoaster, and in some ways it has been, but in others it hasn’t. I was always confused at school when everyone would cry before they left for the 6 week break, like they were never going to see their friends again. Like they hadn’t already planned to meet up at the swimming pool the very next day. Things end, but that doesn’t mean they necessarily change. New things just happen in their place and that is rarely something to be sad about.

I say it has been an emotional rollercoaster in some ways, because while I’m not sat crying, I do feel like I’m closing a door on an important chapter of my life. It’s been a slow process, from around January when I decided not to take on applying for a PhD through to now, when my extra-curricular hobbies are coming to a close. University has been a turning point for me in many ways – realising the potential I have, and being realistic about how much I can’t ever achieve. Making friends and losing friends and slowly understanding myself a little more. And of course, going through the turbulence of a relationship which at times has stretched me to breaking point.

When you start something you rarely remember to think about how it will end. Getting caught up in the moment is part of the romance of life, and I’m very glad that I don’t find myself sad about things before they have come to their close. But it does make this time even more difficult. I logged out of the LUU Backstage twitter account earlier today, and I wasn’t lying when I said it felt like my heart was breaking. The thing that I find most painful about endings, is the bit just after the end which you do alone. Letting go is a very personal experience and one which I’ve proven time and time again I am very bad at. I think I’m bad at it because it hurts so much.

It’s a good pain though, because it’s the pain of having loved something, or someone, or a group of someones, so much that tearing yourself away is like tearing a little piece out of yourself and leaving it behind. I feel like I’m part of the fabric of these groups of people now, and I wouldn’t want it to be any different.

But life shouldn’t ever be about endings. So I’m looking forward now, and trying to think about all of the things I’ve learnt in my 6 years at university, and how I’m going to use them on the next things. I’m making new plans, finding new goals, and trying not to dwell on the things I’m leaving behind. They will always be the happiest memories, and memories only work if they are things from the past. I’m lucky that I get to have this ending knowing that the people who helped make all of those moments special aren’t leaving me, and I’m not leaving them. We’re all just moving forward.

[PS. I wrote this a few days ago, and I made a lovely collage of pictures from uni to go with it, but then WordPress was all “no no, you haven’t updated me so images are not a thing”. And I thought, fair enough, maybe it is right, maybe it’s about time for an update. Except now, I can’t see any text in my text editor so I’m literally typing this explanation blind, and images still don’t work. Because I simply cannot update WordPress correctly and never have. So, at some point this will be replaced by a lovely picture, but for now, see you whenever I convince WordPress to work again. And have Hairspray, because moving forward symbolism]

Unicollage

 

No-one Is Alone

Life, Music

Welcome to late-night posting with Sally. This could go terribly. Bear with.

So earlier this year I produced a show called “Into the Woods”. It’s by Steven Sondheim and it’s one of my bucket list shows to be involved with so you can imagine my childish glee when I not only got to produce it, but saw it sent to the National Student Drama Festival, and saw it win “Best Show” at the Rileys last week.

It’s a show rammed full of great music, and there are tonnes of songs I love for various reasons, but the soundtrack of tonight’s post is “No-one is Alone”. It’s a beautiful tune designed to make the audience weep and hold hands with people they care about and that’s a great thing. So get this playing and I’ll tell you the rest of my thoughts.

Take it from me, sometimes it’s easy to feel alone. I spend my life in rooms full of people feeling completely alone because I don’t know how to talk to people, or how I should associate with them, or how to not be just too intense (which is a regular issue that I have). Loneliness (as I’ve mentioned here before) is a prevalent disease in my life.

But as the song says, no-one is alone, and that’s entirely true. The best day of my life so far was the day I learnt that I have people I can speak to about anything. No matter how uncomfortable the subject, no matter how much I cringe at saying it out loud (or at times, even typing it), there is always someone there to listen, to be supportive, and to care about what I am thinking and what I have to say. Sometimes it’s Boyfriend, sometimes it’s friends, sometimes it’s family. There are lots of people out there with a lot of time for me, and I’ve got a lot of time for them as well.

So just remember, talking is important, and ok. Whatever you have on your mind, there is someone out there to share it with, so go for it. If you want to, share with me. Dear reader, I have a lot of time for you, and I’m not the only one. No-one is alone.

So there you are. You’re welcome.

Special Recognition

Life

Last night, I got to sit right next to the stage at the biggest Riley Awards ever put on by Leeds University Union. Not only that, but I was watching a show which I helped to organise and run, and at the end of the night I was called up on stage and given an award of special recognition for everything I’ve done since I’ve been at LUU – from backstage to opera to course repping and everything in between. It was fantastic.

Now, I’ve thanked most of the people involved in getting me to this point, but there’s one really significant person I haven’t thanked, and that is because I am very socially awkward and I can’t really manage to say any of this in real-life words. So I’ve run to the comfort of my blog to fully express why this person deserves as much special recognition as I do (if not more).

Through the last year, and particularly the last 5 months, I’ve not had the best time of it. I’ve questioned a lot of what I’m doing, I’ve had fallings out and breaking downs of friendships and other relationships. I’ve changed from one quite intense job to another probably more intense job, and I’ve had to do a lot of thinking and make some hard decisions about my future both in academic and in real-life terms. Throughout that, whenever I’ve needed a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to, I’ve been lucky enough to have a best friend there. He knows (I’m sure) exactly who he is, so I’m not going to plaster his name everywhere.

He is kind, and caring, and always willing to help. Without his support this year there are times I don’t think I’d have made it through, and even though he may not feel that he’s done much, he has. Not only that, but he’s done it while going through a variety of personal trials himself. Half of the things I was “specially recognised” for, were done standing on his shoulders, bringing me to the place I needed to be to get the job done. He’s been there through thick and thin and I’m so happy to be able to call him my best friend.

He’s a person who very rarely gets the recognition that he deserves, and I know this isn’t much, but it’s a thing, written down in the best way that I can manage, to try and do him a little justice.

I can tell you that it doesn’t even come close to expressing everything I’d like to convey, but it’s a start. When I won my award last night, he is the person I most wanted to share it with, so if you are perchance raising a glass (and let’s just take a pause here to question why you’d be doing that while reading my blog….) then raise it to friendship, because it’s the most important thing in the world and I’m blessed to have it.

Two steps back

Life

Sometimes I feel like I’m a little bit behind everything, like I’m chasing but never quite catching up.

I often feel that at work recently. Never so badly behind that it’s a problem, but just enough that I’m not 100% comfortable. It’s no bad thing, because it keeps you on your toes, and my performance is driven by a degree of pressure, but it doesn’t make it feel any less like I’m hurrying to catch up.

Two steps behind is the story of my life, in a way. Between my short legs and my issues with friend-making I’m always a bit further back from the pack. Add to that the fact that suddenly everyone I know seems to be rushing into their adult lives, and you can probably gather where this is coming from. I don’t feel like I’m not moving forward, it’s just that my pace seems so different from those around me.

Thankfully two steps back is also a really good vantage point. I spend every day staring at people heels and learning what I can do better. It’s not always about leading, and I’m happy to be OK with that. There’s nothing wrong with being two steps back, not really.

Overboard

Life

I can’t imagine anything more terrifying than being on a boat in a storm and being swept overboard. That intense rush of complete lack of control, being picked up and removed from any kind of safety by something huge and unstoppable and deadly and violent and unpredictable.

And yet, that’s how I feel almost every day of my life.

Admittedly, I think I’m more scared of the actual boat scenario because I get horrendously sea sick and so I’d already feel terrible during a storm on a boat, without even beginning to worry about getting swept away.

Recently, a lot of things have gone on. I’ve made big life decisions, big life events have happened around me, and the entire world seems to have stepped it up to gears I don’t really feel like I have. It’s all gone a bit overboard, and I’m being carried along with it, not really in control of anything. Every now and then I surface and grab a breath and feel the air on my face and everything looks sunny and beautiful and then back down I go, dragged under by some undercurrent I didn’t even know I should be trying to avoid.

It’s not just life that has gone overboard either. I’ve gone overboard. I’ve taken on many things, and thrown myself into them in a way that while fantastic and enjoyable, isn’t necessarily what most people would describe as “healthy” or “sane”. But then who am I to conform to your cultural norms anyway?

So here we are now, floating about in a completely uncertain sea. I’m currently clinging onto various life rafts, which are propping me up ever so effectively. As always, sometimes one of them seems to slip through my fingers and I have a moment of uncertainty where I feel like I’m going under. But recently, that seems to be happening less, and gradually I’m learning to judge the waves and weather the storm. It’s all moving decisively in the direction of a calm sea and a hint of a rainbow.

 

I’m also in H.M.S Pinafore, my last ever show at LUU. Which might account for how nautical this all is.

Or not. Who knows?

pinafore

Motivational Quotes

Language, Life

So this turned up on my facebook feed just now, and I feel it needs some discussion.

generous

So on the one hand, I somewhat agree with the sad face, and all of the comments saying this is sad, or really bad. Because if someone is just using you then that person probably isn’t good for you, and you need to get them out of your life. That is a very tough call to make.

But on the other hand, this is just not a thing to be sad about, and it’s quite depressing to see that everyone sharing and liking this image and leaving these comments doesn’t see that. If you are a generous enough soul that you can have someone screw you over 1 million times (which is a lot of times), and still go back, then you are an amazing person. Sometimes other people make the wrong choices, or aren’t grateful, or don’t entirely deserve the love and attention we bestow on them. But the people who are willing to keep loving and giving unconditionally are the people who make the world go round.

I’m a bit of a quote junkie (because everyone has to have something to be a bit obsessed with). I constantly have lines of songs or poems or something going round in my head, and I spend half of my time googling things to try and work out where they came from. A recent favourite of mine is currently hanging around being my screensaver, and it’s this one by the Persian poet Hāfez –

“And still, after all this time, the Sun has never said to the Earth,
“You owe me.”
Look what happens with love like that.
It lights up the sky.”

It’s great, and lovely, and most of all it means the above. The people who can just give love even when it’s not reciprocated, and keep doing it and doing it and not care, are the people who light up the world.

Never be apologetic for being kind and good.

Drafting

Music, Rant

I have so much to say recently, but no time to sit down and blog about it. To remedy this, I’ve just created a whole bunch of drafts which sometime in the future I’ll go back to and write up in full. They range from my Grandfather to Whitehall and back again (via social anxiety and Borneo). You’re set for a good time basically.

Meanwhile, can we just take a second to all be confused about this song:

Because I mean. What? I’m very conflicted. I’m a big supporter of the idea that women can put their career before their relationships. It’s a good thing that Usher doesn’t mind. However, should he mind that his girlfriend is engaging in a job which is typically degrading and even dangerous for the women involved? Also, surely he should engage in his girlfriend’s work life anyway and not just be fine with whatever so long as she comes home. That’s not a loving and attentive relationship.

Also it’s a bit of a shocking song.

Discuss?

Conversation

Life

Talking about talking. On a blog called SallyTalks. I must be tired, get ready for all of the circular logic you’ve come to know and love(?).

How great is it when you just have a proper conversation. One which goes on for hours and hours accidentally, and you don’t really know where you started or the paths you took, but you ended up talking about EVERYTHING on the way. I love those conversations. Really good coffee-shop chats (especially if you live somewhere with nice coffee-shops…but that is a ranty post for another day).

The thing that is annoying about conversation is that it’s impossible to just achieve that level of engagement. You can’t manufacture it. As a person who love to talk, it is the most challenging part of my life trying to work out how to start talking to someone. You pick the wrong topic, get off on the wrong foot, say one single thing wrong, and you’re forever doomed to a lack of proper conversation with a person.

But that’s fine, right? Plenty more fish in the proverbial sea. But no, because it gets amplified when you’re actually friends with someone. I have been in the unfortunate position of completely losing friends because I misspoke during one conversation. Or, and this is even scarier, just tried to speak too much. You can’t push people to interact, even if it might be good for them or for you. Conversation has to just be natural.

So fine, good conclusion, conversation has to be natural. Time to end?

No. Because we don’t live in a world of natural encounters any more. I’d be honestly terrified of just starting up conversation with a stranger in the pub. Instead we are glued to that most anti-social of things, social media. It’s easier to be in contact with other people, but so much harder to start a conversation. I love the power of new media (hey there, welcome to my blog), but when I can’t see someone’s face, or know whether they are busy doing something interesting or staring at a screen like I am, how am I meant to start a conversation with them?

Maybe I need to write a book of openers, except instead of ones which make you feel like a creep at a bar, they’ll be questions or comments which people actually want to engage with.

Or maybe I’ll keep asking people how the weather is wherever they are.

Cloud of sounds

Fun, Music

So, I got a new twitter follower.

twitter

Which is fine, except I don’t have soundcloud, so it’s a pretty empty offer. But then I thought…maybe I do have soundcloud and I just don’t know it. Maybe someone has been following me and taping me, and putting it all on the internet. Unsettling, to say the least.

So I had a look.

Firstly, I discovered that SoundCloud is a Swedish platform, based in Germany. Who knew. Then I had a look for my soundcloud page. First efforts were mostly unsuccessful.

sndcld

So I cast my net a little wider. I think it’s fair to say I was happy with the result, because this woman is basically everything I aspire towards.

iwish

Unfortunately I never did find myself, so I think my new twitter friend is out of luck. They can be happy in the knowledge that I had fun doing this though. You’re welcome B-RU$H, enjoy your “I-made-a-someone-happy” high.

Pocket

Rant

Do you know what’s great? Having pockets. They are so useful for keeping things in, such as phones, keys, money, and hands.

Do you know what’s not great? The fact that clothing designers seem to think women don’t need pockets.

Let’s just be clear. I am not in any way interested in carrying a bag around all the time. I’m going to lose it, it’s going to get in the way, and it’s going to end up filled with all kinds of things I don’t need to bring with me everywhere. But I’ll bring them anyway because as we know, if it goes in the handbag, it lives in the handbag forever.

Instead, I’d like to just bring my phone and keys with me in my pocket. Except apparently, as a woman, I’m not allowed pockets of a reasonable capacity for that. Which is crazy, frankly. I understand that women’s clothing is designed with body shape quite strongly in mind, and it’s not necessarily flattering to ruin one’s beautiful curves with chunks of technology. But it’s also my choice. A completely flat pocket shouldn’t alter the shape of a garment – I know, because I watch the Great British Sewing Bee. So could high street shops please hire better pattern-makers who can manage to include pockets in my clothing? I’ll pay a couple of pounds extra for the ability to own clothes which actually do what I want them to.

Or if you’re going to insist I carry a handbag everywhere, could we make them the right size? Because they’re all either too big or too small. There’s just no winning.