(Nice title parity for the last two posts – you’re welcome)

You know what’s great? People. Real human people. They’re just the best. Because let’s be honest, I’m being this girl

but in blog form recently, and you would all be well within your rights to ignore me and go about your lives, but instead, everyone is awesome.

So the message is, sometimes you feel crappy, and sometimes that feeling sticks around for longer than it should, and there isn’t a quick fix and you can’t pretend because you had one good day that you won’t have 10 bad ones. But, keep moving forward and do it with the people you love and care about and then it’ll be fine.

Also, don’t worry that your problems don’t seem worth sharing because they aren’t a big enough deal. I don’t really have any proper problems at all, I’m incredibly lucky. But for the sake of sharing some feelings with some people, I now get to carry on with today feeling 100% better than when I began, and that’s important and worth it. Especially as I don’t think I inconvenienced anyone by doing it. If I did inconvenience you, comment below. #blogariffic.

Today I’m trying to write my thesis, so naturally I’m blogging.

I’m trying to give my full attention to my writing, but it’s difficult because honestly, I’m just not really very engaged with the subject any more, and I’ve lost sight of what I’m really aiming for by doing this piece of work. Since taking the decision to not apply for a PhD this year it feels a bit like I’m just spending a lot of time staring at books in order to get a piece of paper which says “yep, she stared at books for two years”. Which isn’t exactly inspiring.

I’m also very tired again. I’ve not taken my sunshine pill yet today, which might be contributing, but I think it’s more than that. Since I had my big splurge of truth-posts and reevaluation of my life, I’ve done precisely nothing differently. It’s hard to give things up, and so once again I’m in the position where there isn’t enough of me to go around.

Except I’m not sure that’s true. I just think I give too much of myself to the wrong things.

Recently I’ve been putting a huge amount of myself into certain things (in an effort to make all of the change that I spoke about in all the other posts). And the reason nothing has actually changed is that I’ve remembered that this is a cycle I’ve gone through before. You can fall into the trap of believing that your care and love and passion for things and people is limitless, and it is. But that doesn’t make it less tiring when you give so much of yourself to things and don’t get enough back. Every time I think I’ll make a big change, I invest lots of myself into the area I want to improve, and then like clockwork I have days like today where I am just tired, and drained, and nothing has changed since I began.

(except that I’m now more tired than when I began, so it’s hard to convince myself to keep putting that level of energy and effort in)

This isn’t an epiphany post, because I’m not going to change anything. I do need to pare down what I do, but I’m still going to keep putting all of myself into the smaller volume of things that I do. Even if that means being washed out and a bit lost at the end of it all. Because what is life if you avoid doing things just because you might get hurt or things might turn out badly? There’s not really any point.

Stay tuned for more general life exposition with Sally, coming soon (undoubtedly).

Yes, I know I posted like an hour ago. But then I did some more thinking.

When I was younger and I lived abroad, I used to get a kids’ magazine in French to help me learn. One week they were explaining the French version of April Fools’ day and had this joke – There’s a piece of paper with the word Attention! written on it (which in French translates as ‘watch out!’). Then on the other side is written Merci pour votre attention! (Thanks for your attention).

It’s a fun play on words, and it also describes something I’ve realised about myself. I want attention, but I also don’t and so once I’ve got it, all I want is to deflect it away.

Here’s an example. I have all these thoughts swirling around in my head and I want to share them. But I’m too socially inept to actually talk to my friends about them, because I have no idea how to begin the conversation, or if I’d even want to have it once I started, which is why I have a blog. A blog is a beautiful thing because as I know I’ve mentioned before, you can say anything you like in the knowledge that someone will probably read it, but you just don’t have to know who.

Second example. I love my friends and family and having people around me, to the extent where I have spent a week blogging about how I’m struggling with feelings of isolation. All I want is to have people with me and engaging with me constantly. But, I hate being the centre of attention. I don’t like being sung happy birthday, and the most dreaded part of any after-show party I’ve worked on is the bit where people get thanked. I don’t know how to react, and I don’t really know how you’re meant to react. For someone who is a self-confessed extrovert, I have very little idea how you’re really supposed to behave around people. I am totally fine stood in front of an audience acting, or speaking about experiences, or presenting facts. But dear God save me from having to accept any kind of praise.

So, now I suppose all I need to do is find the middle ground, where I have the attention I crave but none of the pressure that I buckle under.

That decision alone feels like walking out onto quicksand.

Earnest
ˈəːnɪst
1. Resulting from or showing sincere and intense conviction

Until I looked up the meaning of the word earnest to put at the top of this post, I had always thought that it meant being keen and engaged, not being serious. Which means that the title might not entirely make sense, but I’m leaving it because now I’ve spent the time googling it and writing this paragraph (not to mention struggling with formatting because formatting)

But Sally, what are you wittering on about? Well, friend. I’m talking about the importance of being keen and excited and throwing your heart and soul into things, and where that gets you. The answer to which, I posit, is exactly nowhere.

Today has been spent doing two things. Spending some lovely time with Boyfriend, and trying in vain to write 15,000 more words of my thesis (thus far I’ve managed a bleak 300). And all the time I’ve been slightly yearning to be somewhere else. The problem is, I know exactly where I’ve wanted to be all day, and my reasons are just plain wrong. But I know that if I was at the other place, I’d be so busy I wouldn’t have time to worry or think about that. Because I’d be getting things done in earnest (now it makes sense, see).

So really, I attribute a lot of importance to being earnest, because it’s my way of avoiding thinking about things. Being busy makes me feel good, and it makes me feel meaningful, and it fills a hole in my life which is created whenever I have the time to stop and think. When I think, I invariably think about what I mean, and whether I matter, and if I’m important. But when I’m busy I don’t need to think about those things because I know the answer to them all. I do matter and I am important and I have meaning, and my meaning is to get the thing done.

This really all links back to my recent episodes of “Things that go around Sally’s Brain”, which is to say that I’m basically a workaholic because it fills a void which is created by a feeling of loneliness – which I avoid by being a workaholic. Which actually tends to mean I can’t spend time with friends because I’m too busy. Go figure.

Maybe I’ll rename my personal drama “Circular Thinking with Sally” because that’s all it really is.

Anyway, in other news I recently discovered that I’m vitamin D deficient, so I now have some supplements (affectionately known as “sunshine pills” because vitamin D comes from sunlight) which should make me more happy and energetic. And as a good friend pointed out, make this post just hilariously accurate.

Then we can go back to a blog where I basically shout at cars and politics…and online feminism.

I think after the last few days in the world of this blog, we can all concur that late-night posting is the best posting, so I’ll make this mid-morning effort a quick one.

Last night after I posted all about my biggest fear I had some time to sit back and think, and as I thought I was greeted by a bunch of lovely messages telling me not to be scared. So I came up with this analogy (an analogy…anna nalogy…geddit?)

My friends are like the light. They brighten ever part of my life and they make me overwhelmingly happy. After a day like yesterday which was so full of light, it felt easy to share my fears, because being afraid of loneliness is like being afraid of the dark. When you’re sat in the light, it feels silly. But once it gets dark you forget that it’s as easy as turning the light back on, and you just curl up and wait for the sun to rise by itself.

I know that’s daft, but it’s true. So what I think I’ve mostly learnt over the last night is that I need to take more initiative and let people know when I need them to come and light up my life.

#progress?

I’ve had a great day, so it feels like a weird time to talk some more about feelings, but as I think is clear, I’m going head first into the transformative thinking thing. So here goes.

I want to talk about fear. Not little fear, like fear of spiders. Big fear: the kind that becomes all-consuming the second you let yourself really think about it. Last night I had a night of big fear, letting myself get into that awful circular thinking cycle where no matter how hard you try you can’t break away. It was so much that I decided to ignore it (which is practically never the right option). Then today I had a lovely day, full of lovely things, and it made me remember that I need to deal with the fears because as previously mentioned, that is how we move forward.

Now, before we go on I feel like I need to do the disclaimer thing again. My life is absolutely amazing, and I am coming from a place of such privilege I almost shouldn’t be allowed a blog. But this is about personal stuff and thoughts and feelings and saying them. So now that I’ve disclaimed, let’s move on.

What is my fear? The horrendous one which makes it hard to breathe and think and makes everything seem horrible. Simple. I’m terrified that no-one likes me.

Yes, I know it’s ridiculous. The evening that I’ve just spent with the wonderful people of OperaSoc immediately proves that. But here’s the thing, just because you know something’s silly, doesn’t stop it being scary. I know that there are people out there who like me, or even love me, but some days it’s really hard to tell who they are and where they are, and I feel so lonely that I withdraw into my own head until I’m convinced that people only spend time with me because they have no choice.

It’s a damaging state of mind, one which I’ve built for myself through years of being used by people who value my brains or my skills more than me as a person. This isn’t everyone, but it’s definitely a few people who’ve made a deep impact before leaving without so much as a wave. I’m learning, slowly, to spend my time and energy on the people who have proven themselves to like me for who I am, but I still keep tripping up, and I’m still scared.

And as with yesterday, it’s a silly thing, and it shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is. But here is me owning up to it, in the hope that now is the time I begin to properly move on.

…and I’m a workaholic.

Which on the face of it seems like one of those things you’d say if you were going to be smug about answering the dreaded interview question “what is your biggest flaw?” “Who me? Well, if I had to pick something, it’d be that I just work too hard. I’m such a hard worker and that’s really bad”.

But the thing is, it is really bad. Just because it’s an everyday thing, doesn’t make it any less damaging of an addiction.

As is probably clear that this point, this is going to be one of those brutally honest, getting-things-off-my-chest posts, which I don’t really think has happened in a while. I’ve had an intense few weeks of doing things and I’ve come out of the end of it realising I probably need to take a hard look at how I live my life and reassess some of my academic, work, and personal goals.

The first of these is going to be this – the admission (to no-one in particular, oh blogging, how I love thee) that I have a problem with doing things. I’m a workaholic and a commitmentaholic. I have no free time because I say yes to every single activity which sounds even vaguely interesting. I can’t deny that partially that is a good thing. I spend all of my time learning new skills and meeting new people, and growing as an individual. For the most part, I’m also very good at time management and so I can absolutely afford to do all of the things I do.

But here’s the problem. Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should. I’ve spent years now working my socks off and even though it’s made me very happy throughout, I’m coming to a point where I realise I don’t have a huge amount to show for it. I’m so busy putting on a show, or arranging an event, I haven’t got time to commit to enriching my friendships. I’ve developed myself personally in all kinds of fascinating ways, but ultimately I’m not getting paid any more, nor am I any further along academically. I’ve managed to maintain my relationship with Boyfriend, but if we’re honest that can be put down to his tolerance rather than my effort.

So here’s the first step. I admit that I’m a workaholic and that I do too much, and that I need to do less. The world will not crumble and fall if I leave an email for tomorrow, or if I turn down an event because I don’t need to do it, even if I feel I’ve got the time or capacity to say yes.

This may not seem like much, world, but it’s a big deal.

Look forward to the post in a few months time when I detail how spectacularly I’ve failed to change this cycle. When I write it, I’ll remind myself of all the good intentions I had here.