Those avid readers among you (which I am well aware is 1< person weekly, never fear, I’m under no illusions) will know that I now go to the gym. I don’t think it’s fair to say I go on a “regular” basis, but I probably go at least once a week, which is an improvement on not-once a week, so there’s that.

Anyway, I’m not the only person in the gym, unfortunately.  And I have some very clear views on other people in the gym.

1) Don’t make weird noises. I know exercise is different for everyone, and you’re probably working way harder than me, but it’s so distracting and often scary when you make noises like your lung just collapsed.
2) Don’t try to break the machines, or make the machines break you. If you have to keep pressing the emergency stop on the treadmill, you may be running too fast. I understand the concept of interval training and trust me, you’re doing it wrong.  Also, pumping the cross-trainer madly on level 1 so that it looks like it’s going to tip over is doing no-one any favours.
3) Don’t stare at me. I know I go bright red, it’s not attractive, but aside from the colour of my face I’m clearly fine. Don’t stare at me. Stop staring. Now.
4) Please God, stop turning up fully made up. It’s 7am. No-one is here for that, we are all here to work out and then get on with our lives. If you’re going to try and pick people up at the gym maybe come back at lunch time when the place is populated by people under 50 who don’t have real jobs. They will be interested. We are not.